Happenings

So here's what happened over the weekend. But first I should tell you that I was going to not divorce him because he was going to support me, with money and visiting the kids. Well that's before he found out that I took money from the bank. Last week he bought a truck and we both took the exact same amount out of the bank. And our bank is now over drawn. Well he bought the truck for $13,000. He put a down payment on it with the money from the bank. I do apologise for for the random thoughts. But I am very angry and scared.

I was busy all weekend. I went out with my sister on Friday night and was out of town on Saturday for my friends wedding reception. Wail I was there he found out about the money and over drafts and demanded that I put the money back. I told him that I didn't have it any more and my attorney has it. His response: "get it from your mom and dad and put it back" . I will not do that. He has now threatened not only suicide but also murder suicide. The boys were saposta be with him for the night, but after that I decided that I can no longer trust him with the boys. My first thought was that he was going to harm the boys. But I was wrong. It's me that he wants to murder. Nice hunh? So I am sitting here with the divorce papers waiting for tomorrow so I can sign them and get them notarized and than have him served.

I know I need to update everyone. I've just been so bussy that I don't seam to have the time. When I get back this weekend for sure!

So today I met with the attorny. But I am just so exausted that I can't think strait. I'll have to get back to it tommrow. Now, I'm going to veg on facebook for a while and play some games.

So after all this talk about not being a weekend dad, he called today and asked to see the kids. I did not feel comfortable dropping them off my self so my mom's husband went with me. I am happy that he decided to see the boys and the boys were so excited to see him. I only hope he realizes how much they love him.

I am a little nervous about him. I hope he doesn't do anything stupid. I also know that some of you would think that was the wrong thing. But I can not and will not keep those kids from there father. I feel good about showing him that it is important for the boys to see him.

He did however spend $4000 on a new truck. Now this pisses me off. My car is about to fall apart and he goes and buys him self a new truck. Are you kidding me? The only thing that he said to me about it was I'm sorry you weren't there to help me pick it up. I have a feeling he thinks I'm coming home.

I'm still pissed off and am going to take off for a while.

So today has been a pretty crazy day. It was nice to have my mom home. I even got to sleep in for a while. Her and Don took the boys out to breakfast. I will tell you, I slept so good I actually had a good dream. NICE!

With that being said here goes the vent:

I talked to him today. (I somehow feel better doing this if I don't actually use his name. So for now he will be know as him, daddy, etc...) He actually called me quite a bit. He is using all of those typical things to threaten me. Turn off the cell phone. Shut off the computer. Drop health insurance on the kids. Well I should say that in his words he loves me and wants me to come home. I told him that was not going to happen. But if he wanted to see the kids he was more than welcome to. But no he is not going to be a weekend dad. If I leave him he will no longer have any contact with the children and I will be doing it all on my own. Fine, no big deal I have been for years. Ok. So now it's that he will never divorce me. He will hang himself from the rafters before he lets that happen. I am a little concerned about that. I'm not sure I wouldn't put it past him. So I am actually alot concerned about that. I am worried that he may try to take his own life.

But I can't make it allow me to feel that I have made a mistake. I am strong. I can do this. And it is for the best!

I have to go and make Kool-Aid for the boys now.

So the kids wanted to call dad and I told Leo that he would have to leave a message because he wouldn't answer. So Leo called and said "I love you dad, I miss you." He proceeded to finally call me back and the first thing he said was "Julia that's pretty low". My only response was "Well the kids wanted to talk to you. " So he finally talked to them. When I got back on the phone he hung up. But did answer when I called back. I wanted to know if he wanted to spend any time with them. But of course not he wanted us to come home. When I told him again that I wouldn't do that he hung up on me. What really gets me is that I'm not even crying. I'm just plain mad!

I'm having a really bad day today. I feel like I'm not going to make it. My mom is coming home today, but that actually scares me. I will have to talk about what is going on and I just don't want to. I had a couple of hours of uncontrollable crying this morning. I stoped but could start again at the drop of a hat. I'm just kinda rambling because I hurt so much! I need to voice that hurt so please bear with the rambling. I feel like I should have felt this way when I left but I didn't. It seams to be worse now. I'm not sleeping my stumic is turning and my heart hurts. Now I'm crying again. I feel so alone and lonely that I don't even think being with people would help. I have felt so lonely for such a long time, I can't remember what it felt like to not be. I have great friends, family and kids but even when I'm with them I still feel the same way. I think I have been beaten down for so long and I am now starting to realize that I need some help to get through this. I cant do it alone.